i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She bit a glass in half.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
