Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
