I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
