Can Purell be used as lube?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
