Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
barbara walters just said penis...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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