my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
