Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
