he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
