when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
