listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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