I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
