He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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