If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
