I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
