Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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