tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Actions speak louder than pants.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
