I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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