You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
