Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
