Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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