I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
