plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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