i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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