also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
