The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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