I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
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He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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