Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My hand turned me down
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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