So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
