well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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