she woke up with a sticky ear
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
