Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
