The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
