I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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