dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
