I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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