can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I will pee on everything he values.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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