Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
