Having a random hookup so left but love u
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
