Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
