Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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