Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
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He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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