Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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