I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
