I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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