Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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