i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
