I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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