There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
