you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I need water and some morals
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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