We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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