Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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