Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
