I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dick very happy bro
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
