By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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