wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
