Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
