I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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